‘Did You Turn the Sandwich Maker Off?’ and Other Wild Accusations
People often ask me stupid questions and accuse me of doing ridiculous things. I have no idea why.
I admit, I have been known to sticky tape my colleagues chairs to their desks in moments of extreme boredom while in the office out of hours… and put Christmas decorations all over someone’s computer screen in April… I might have also stuck a photo of a random person on another colleague’s backpack right before he got on the train home (I thought it’d be nice for him to have some company)… however I absolutely hate practical jokes and have no interest of hiding something that belongs to someone else, jumping out at someone or ruining someone’s food (I’ve had salt in my beer and it is not fun, and yes, I count beer as food, sheesh)!
I’m also incredibly bad at keeping a straight face in funny situations, am always the first to crack when trying to go along with a joke and am a terrible liar.
The other day, I was in the kitchen at work, making my lunch and a colleague came in to check on his sandwich, which he’d left in the sandwich press. He walked up to it, stopped, turned to me suspiciously and said ‘Did you turn the sandwich maker off while my sandwich was cooking?!?’
I started laughing, which I don’t think helped the situation, but denied any involvement. He eyed me suspiciously, switched the press on and watched me as he walked away, hesitant to leave his sandwich unsupervised in the kitchen with me.
This got me thinking about how often these wild accusations are thrown my way and why. The next time I saw him, I asked why I am always the suspect when something happens… his response: ’It’s probably because you’re small’… fair enough.
So, to share a few of the highlights with you, these situations have occurred with family, friends, colleagues, boyfriends and randoms. I’m convinced it’s because of my openness and warmth that people feel comfortable saying these things to me… that, or I’m just plain sneaky-looking…
Q: Did you hide my ipod? (Work colleague)
A: Huh? You have an ipod?
Q: Did you hide my wallet? (Work colleague)
A: No. Has it been stolen or did you leave it at home? (turns out he left it at home, although this question was asked at least five more times that day!)
Q: Did you pay for that jug of Sangria? (girl working at a bar)
A: No, I stole a whole jug of sangria without you noticing, you fool (sarcastic). Did you LOSE a jug of sangria?
Q: Did you just suggest that my boyfriend is autistic? (a friend)
A: Ok, maybe… It was a miscommunication. But it was very, very funny.
Q: Did you delete the company’s entire website? (IT guy at work)
A: Erm… nope, can’t say that I did. If I had any urge to delete the whole site, resulting in massive problems for no one but myself, I’d probably suggest I should be committed.
Q: Did you intentionally lock me out of the house? (an ex-boyfriend)
A: No, the door locks itself, you moron. I’ll bet you’re feeling bad about punching the glass door in now, aren’t you?
Q: Did you just put the dog on the barbeque? (my mother)
A: Wtf?
Q: Did you break the front door? (My mother)
A: I TOLD you when I opened it that it was broken and you said it had been like that for months!
Q: Are you arranging for me to meet up with the guy I like when I visit you and not telling me? (A friend)
A: Huh? I am too confused to even try to answer that question.
Q: Did you pick up my friend The Albino?
A: No comment.
Q: Where’s my plate? Did you take it? (Work Colleague)
A: Of course I did, I put it in the fridge. That’s what you get for suggesting I sabotaged your sandwich!
It’s hard to make smile today but, you did it! Thank You.
Someone once turned the oven off while I was cooking my pie… and hid my cooked potato in the fridge. After reading this I am convinced both of these things were done by you.
Haha, I cannot confirm or deny this…
Just hilarious
As the colleague in question (for every work-based accusation detailed above), I can honestly say after reading this, the tension in the office is palpable today. Everyone is eyeing each other with suspicion. Tomorrow I’m bringing in pizza for lunch.
I would like to point out that the iPod incident didn’t relate to you, that was Mr Lock who, according to Twitter STILL suspects I took it!
Had I included ‘Did you drop my much-loved iPod on concrete twice while walking your dogs and wipe all the memory as a result?’… the answer would be yes.
But that’s in the past now and all is forgiven, right?
Btw – Let’s never switch iPods again!
I would suggest going into the office fridge and re-arranging the placements of the lunches. It’s very “sleeping with the enemy” and when they ask you if you “did it” squint very hard and whisper, “nooo, that’s the way they’ve always been.” this way you can slowly make your co-workers think they are mentally ill. it’s way better than a sick day.
Hahaha, awesome idea! If one of my colleagues wasn’t reading this I would totally try it.
Thanks for reading my blog!
Q: Did you leave the iron on, again?
A: (without even looking) yes, if it wasn’t you, it had to be me.
Haha, oh the damn iron. I live by myself with two dogs and although they have managed to empty the bin and turn the tv on in my absence, unfortunately irons, lights and the stove being left on and doors being left open cannot be blamed on anyone but myself!
Thanks for reading my blog!
“Did you delete the company’s entire website?”
As far as a prank or retaliation goes, that’s pretty hardcore.
I try to tell the truth most of the time. Sometimes you just gotta lie. Like when your buddy asks “Did you superglue my refrigerator shut?” I just look them straight in the eye and tell them Coop (another friend) did it and I tried to stop him. I didn’t lie. I said “Stop, stop.” at least once.
Haha, I have an owl ornament on my desk called Coop! I’m going to blame all unexplained occurrences on him from now on!
I love your blog! It seriously cracks me up.
One of my coworkers once asked me if I stole his pocket knife.
1) WHY do you have a pocket knife at work?
2) Apparently I look like a pocket knife thief.
3) Answer: Yes, I reached into your pocket when you weren’t looking and stole your knife.
I didn’t even know how to react.
Reblogged this on sarahjanelives and commented:
a bright spot in my day. too funny not to follow.
Yes…”did you delete the company’s entire website” got me too. Gotta investigate all this…there’s some serious conspiracy shit goin’ down all around you.
writingtheweirdwideworld.wordpress.com
Every time without fail . . . . you have me laughing!!
I like to think of office mischief as a way of life. If there is no mischief during the hours of 8-5 how can people really be productive?
I’m loving this blog.
Laugh trip.
wry wit, and a love of the absurd… I can’t wait for more from you! I know I can always count on crisycarringtonlewis to find and share the rare gems here.
Oh, how I can relate! I am CONSTANTLY being accused of things I had nothing whatsoever to do with!
Q: Did you cut her brake lines after you threatened to kill her and make it look like an accident when she tried to sleep with your husband?
A: WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE THAT PEOPLE POINT TO????
I totally get it. And, brilliant writing. Love it.
What a funny list of interactions. It’s really hard for people with natural humor to deny anything thrown at them just because they have wonderful dispositions.
This is funny. “because you’re small…” they might as well add “and part-weasel apparently”!